20140717 - Bad Industry Humor: Computer Engineering Hall of Shame


4K HDTV - Timing is critical, need to sell these 4K TVs before the next generation of 300 dpi smart-phone-addicted permanently-nearsighted kids realize the TV is not in focus when sitting on the couch. That way we can use the proceeds from the 4K gold rush to invest in the Lasik industry to ready the next generation for 8K. Which needs to happen before Google's self driving cars program takes off, because after that no one will need to pass an eye exam.

Loading Libraries Outside The Lower 32-bit Address Space on a 64-bit Machine - Forced 64-bit address for any library call, because given the slop in modern software engineering, looks like we are going to need over 4GB of executable code really soon.

Operating Systems Without Raw Human Input Interfaces for Full Screen Applications - Because we need to protect the world from viruses and hackers which read PS3 controller input just in case you might want to enter your etrade password using a game controller instead of the keyboard.

Dynamic Linking Everything - At 20Gb/$ for drive space, saving a few cents by not static linking helps insure my hundred other Linux comrades can fork this beautiful package manager then promptly dump it after they get infatuated by forking something else.

Sendfile in Linux 2.6.x - Because syscall backwards compatibility does not matter now that we have these great package managers, and because only an idiot would actually want OS support for zero-copy file copy.

Graphics Drivers 100's of MB in Size - Because we are secretly getting into the game distribution business, one set of shaders at a time.

ELF - If "hello world" is not bigger than 4KB, then clearly the system is not complicated enough.

Compositing Window Managers - Because like bell-bottoms, it is going to be a while before rectangular windows without animation or transparency comes back into fashion.

Systems Mounting Everything Read-Write with Hundreds of Unknown OS Background Jobs - Because after manufacturing has left the country, the US is readying for the days when the only export it has left is outsourcing it's massive IT and security infrastructure.

Cloud Serving Games - Because with years of desensitization to dropped frames, targeting and missing 30 Hz, non-game-mode HDTVs, and 1080-pee Youtube, this newer generation can no longer realize the difference.

Chains of Random Access First Read Page Faults When First Loading Large Dynamically Linked Applications - Because virtual memory is super important to handle the complexity we built on after designing for machines with only 1MB of memory.

Computing Devices Which are Not Allowed to Have Compilers or Desktops - Because it is important for a device to be limited to just one purpose, like making phone calls. And besides we don't have any patents useful for extorting the wireless keyboard and mouse industry.

HDR HDVTs - If we play our cards right, we can put the tanning bed industry out of business.

Private Class Members - After successfully factoring out the ability to understand the code via awesome feats of abstraction and templatation, I need to protect it from being used or changed.

ELF - Why use a 32-bit index for a symbol, we are CS majors, and we need to put all this advanced string management and hashing knowledge into something. Of course we slept through the factoring part of basic algebra, why do at compile time on one build machine what you can do at run-time on every phone instead!

Software Complexity - Is like peeing into a small pool, when only one person does it, it is awful, but now that everyone pees in the pool, children just grow up thinking that pool water was always yellow.

Phones 2084 - Government mandates loan insurance to cover the loan parents take out to cover the IP patent pool amortized into the cost of the device required for their children to connect to the internet.

Graphics Conferences 2099 - We charge people early just for thinking about giving a talk at the conference, but that is ok because we simultaneously send out spam for thought insurance so you do not have to worry about having a thought which has already been patented.